When I was a young woman I used to lie in bed and think about the kind of man who I would one day marry. I thought about the talks we would have about our future goals. And I dreamt that no matter what I said or did, he would understand and accept me and encourage me to follow my dreams. I wanted someone to comfort me and reassure me when I could not.
As I grew into adulthood and as I have lived many relationships and tried many ways of relating to others, no outside person could ever give me those perfect magic words to make my inner world peaceful. That was a choice I had to make on my own. I had to walk a path that would show me who I am and what I am capable of. I was building a belief in myself. I was learning who I am and who I want to be.
What I learned, was how to treat myself like a kind and supportive loved one. All of the wonderful words I wanted to hear from a man I have rehearsed to myself. I have looked in the mirror and into my own eyes. I’ve held myself in my tears and I cheer for myself now. Forgiveness, even though it isn’t needed, was offered and accepted.
Now that I have put a past life to rest, I look back on my old life with different eyes. The critical parent who was eternally excavating the past for every wrong doing – the scared child who wanted to control outcomes because of what had been in the past – these people have been put to sleep. Their old ways of doing things were sufficient when I didn’t know any better. I was always doing my best – and no matter what I never wanted to hurt others. I took responsibility for and cleaned up my messes and I looked for new ways to deal with the things in my life which I was not proud of.
I’ve relearned how to navigate life and I’ve relearned who I am and what I want from life.
What would a kind and loving companion say about past me? Only those things that are a match for the honor, respect, and love that I have for my current self.
If I was always doing my best, I am proud of my progress and so anything that I say will reflect that pride and honor. And even if another person misunderstands where I am coming from, as a loving companion I would realize that they are coming from a conversation of shame with themselves. If it’s not about me, if it’s always about them, then I can choose to be supportive or do nothing. NO matter what I choose, I do not change. I remain my same, eternal, peaceful, and kind self.
Deeply honoring who I was in the past carries forward into the present. That honor fills the present and trickles out into the world. People can’t help but be impacted.
I’ve never found that companion who would give me that which I really wanted, but that is only because I really wanted to learn to give it to myself first. And since I have deep honor and appreciation for myself, I am attracting only those who are the same.